Many people know Jared and I went with our friends….wait children…to see a Show at the House of Blues in Dallas Texas this past Saturday. The ride there was pretty uneventful except for the occasional ragging about my fear of midgets and lobster hands…The play list for this ride was a smattering of Psychostick, Styxx, and the most outrageous Hindi music you can imagine…oh i think there was Stevie Wonder at some point. It goes without saying the song FUCK or the ode to Bruce Campbell are now running on repeat in my head…talk about earworms.
So to set this up let me let you know that we all woke up at 5 am on Saturday morning to get to Dallas with enough time to get lost and then be there for the VIP access for the guys. So we leave the house get breakfast realize Connor had forgotten his phone…go back to the house to get said phone…then after gas and monster’s (and coffee for myself and Jared) get on the road finally around 6:30 (funny it used to be road beers and smokes guess jared and i really are adults now…wait never mind) SO…we ride to Houston…and of course this is 2015…who carries cash for toll roads? Why are there toll roads in Texas?!? I haven’t seen a toll road since New England in the early to mid 90’s. SO yeah toll road is out…let’s ask SIRI for directions….(now i just want you to know that before we left sulphur I asked them if they had directions to this place…and was told they had the best phones with outer space capacity to get them directions or (we don’t need no stinking directions, shut up mom we got this)….so SIRI gives them directions to the toll road…so you now have connor yelling at SIRI to give him directions with “NO MOTHERFUCKING TOLLS” which went over as you expect with directions to the tolls. So after like ten minutes of arguing with a PHONE….they get directions to the side road to take to stay off of the Sam Houston Parkway….stop for more monsters and we get back on the road.
Finally we get to dallas. So Jared and I suggest that we find the Venue and all before we go find some food. So….again ask Siri. we drive by the venue…which conveniently had a hooters and a dicks last resort postioned next to said venue which also had a restaurant attached to it…and hell Hard Rock Cafe was within walking distance. For some reason we then went to find a gas station to get more monsters and potty break…which sucked for me because there was NO WATER in the bathroom so no washing of hands which made me a tad crazy….but this is not about me nor my necrosis but about directions…it’s always about directions…and NEVER listening to the goddamn people who are old as fuck and have been on many a goddamn road trip with fucking directions and oh wait…..not yet….did i mention that i didn’t take any anti crazy meds because i PLANNED on drinking…and meds and booze are a NO go.
So instead of eating downtown in Dallas next to the venue Puddin asks us if we want Chinese food…which honestly sounds ok and less overpriced than anything we are going to get downtown….so again let’s ask SIRI…..she tells Puddin that there is a great chinese place not far from where we are…..so back in the car (after explaining to a homeless dude we only have plastic no cash) and let’s go find chinese food. remember that bit up there about NO TOLLS….well yeah here we go again…so after two hours in the car in dallas (whose drivers are right up there with MASSHOLES in boston) and passing around 4 chinese food places (and four loops around dallas and countless flipping of the bitch) we find said chinese food establishment…..park…..get out of car at other end of parking lot…and commence to walking to said eatery….i see a starbucks tell Jared when we leave i must stop here first for the two hour ride back to venue…..jared catches up to puddin and i am walking with Connor…i quip…”wouldn’t it be fucked up if this place was closed” and yep you guessed it….we walk up and there is puddin…on his KNEES….almost crying….Jared laughing his ass off almost to the point of puking….and a small sign that says Saturday dinner only 4:30…
so…I say “there is a seafood place in the same mini-mall parking lot over there by Starbucks…..let’s go there and eat…so picture this…Very upscale (valet parking) fish “market and eatery” (this should have been a sign that METALHEADS are NOT wanted….) we go in…Dude looks at us like we are from an alien planet…I say table for four he asks if we would like a booth or table i say booth…we get put next to the kitchen away from all the “nice” people. he leaves us with a menu….Now on any other occasion i’m sure we would have stayed and eaten the over priced salmon with a “grit” crust…but when you see the sticker shock of the fact that the appetizers are $32.00 and the Entrees are well above the 2 for 20 bullshit we usually eat around here in Lake Charles…I asked if they wanted to eat here…jared quips that he would rather have merch from the show than eat…we all four quietly get up and leave. No harm no foul….we go to ZOE’s greek restaurant eat and at least that chore is out of the way…..Go to starbucks get a kick ass discount from a closet metal head which was cool in it’s own little way. Connor and Puddin then go get coffee but didn’t get the “super secret” metal head discount…and we get back in the car and head back to the venue…at this point i have no idea what time it is but hell we are going to see a show and as long as we aren’t late i’m ok so far.
Get back to downtown relatively easily (no flipping of the bitch for once) and park. in a parking garage which you have to pay for first…then ok we are ready to go….Cannibal Corpse, Behemoth, AEON and Tribulation…ok. camera..check, tablet…check, charger…check. Money well plastic…check, jared takes everything off….well keys, wallet, phone, glasses….everything….in glove box….get connor (which if any one doesn’t know dealing with connor (who i love like my own child) is in fact like dealing with a giant five year old at times)…..puddin is his usual laid back self (who by this point had been up since 8 pm Friday). Get everyone to the venue see that we have two hours to spare before any type of check in…so we decide to go across the street to Dick’s Last resort. which is by far one of the stupidest places i’ve been to in all my life. Get a beer….play plants v. zombies for a bit, puddin goes to blow up the bathroom…..then play tetris……jared goes to blow up the bathroom……go out on the “observation deck” which is covered in plastic so anything you could observe looked like it was through a glass which had milk in it three years ago….and watch puddin try to become a “disney Princess” by catching a bird on his finger….I am still not sure how this makes him a disney princess…but i support his attempt because let’s face it all of us want to be a princess at some point in our lives….i personally have not reached this point…i’m sure with the onset of alzheimer’s i will but alas we are not there yet. all of this is happening and connor goes to blow up the bathroom. So i decide that maybe i should go pee. have to find a Pole that says “that pole” to go to the bathroom….find pole go pee hear whimpering from behind me where the men’s head is…finish up wash my hands…get trapped in bathroom because there is no towles….have to use my cuff of the shirt to get out…get pissed….go find the boys…we leave dick’s and go back to the HOUSE of BLUES…which should really be named “we have you by the short and curlies and you will pay our outrageous prices to be able to see this show…
Connor goes back to the truck to put his “official dick’s pilsner glass” in the truck so I am not forced to watch it along with every thing else while they go to the Meet and Greet. So, Jared, Puddin, and myself go into the restaurant and sit down to wait for the meet and greet….I order the worst tasting drink i swear they have some kind of smoke and whiskey shit…with moonshine cherries….which i will admit was the worst possible idea when it comes to drinks. But it was the same price as a beer…so what the hell right…puddin water….jared coffee…..connor is still at the truck…so connor comes back and heads for the bathroom which got him to the place where he could hear the sound check…now…here’s where it gets weird…for me…because of what lethal arts does…with the music side of the house…a sound check for me (along with meet and greets) does nothing for me…i mean..yeah it’s a band (well four) and yeah it’s cool and all…..but i guess because i’m a jaded old bitch….i really don’t care. yeah i know gasp…but no i don’t care…then again i really didn’t care for that shit when i wasn’t 42…
so the boys leave me in the restaurant to go pick up their vip passes. Now let’s get something out there…I told jared i didn’t want a VIP pass because i would rather have merch. cause let’s face it i’m a realist…a shirt is going to be with me way longer than a piece of paper with a signature on it or a pic. I wear the shirt at least once a month on average where a shadow box or some other shit might be looked at by me when i dust it…so yeah…50 bucks for an hour of seeing the bands or same amount of merch…i’ll take the merch…but then again that’s me.
Oh i forgot to mention the flock of seagulls waiter we had. He was very sweet first of all…and took care of me the entire time i was there…but he had the most rad 4 foot teal blue mohawk. It was sincerely epic. plus he was not that bad of a conversationalist which one does not expect with an epic piece of hair work. So the guys get their tickets and their passes and we go stand in line….i swear everything has a fucking line…you get one metal head to just stand there and pretty soon they will all follow suit. so we are in line (sitting down) and of course the people watching starts.
So…did you know…that the Dallas Hot Topic’s is totally out of Cannibal Corpse shirts? Did you know that I saw more facial piercings in one two hour stretch than i’ve seen in 6 years. Did you know that to be a female that enjoys metal you HAVE to wear exactly enough clothes to cover the high spots and the triangle or you have no women’s metal cred? (here is where the shit starts to get really deep…)
Ok here goes….i am prob going to piss off a lot of females but make sure you read this to the end.
There is a certain mythology i am not sure really where it started but i think it was around 1970ish that women who listen to metal music (hell any type of music really in those days) had to look like a straight up whore. tight short dresses heels a barely there shirt no bra, (unless that is your “shirt) Well, I am here to tell you…that not all of us are like this. SOME of us have NEVER been like this…and SOME of us enjoy all that attention…more on this later…
So..we are in said line….there is a Dick buzzard in line with her “man” and she’s whining about how her feet hurt in her 6 inch heels. And i make the comment…don’t wear shoes that you can’t stand in for at least six hours to a show. So the “stage manager” comes in and says that the VIP thing is running late (bout an hour) and gives the tags to ppl. Because I am one of those wives who are all cool and shit i was like look dude i don’t have a vip pass…but my ticket is in Jared’s name is he going to have to be with me when i go in? dude must have like never thought a woman can finish a complete sentence ( just look cute and make a sandwich) …because he mumbled some shit about sitting where there were couches and something that i totally ignored and finally got to the point about no they were just going to scan my tix. So….they finally take the guys in…and i go back to my Flock of seagulls dude and order a beer and go outside and smoke…cause yeah…i’m cool like that yo.
The metal heads start arriving enmass around 5:30 to supposedly get in by 6….(not going to happen) I go pee before i get in this hellacious line. Now let me explain something….Connor gave me his jacket before he went to go do the VIP thing…so i have on me at this time…One thermal long sleeve, one Hate Eternal shirt, one Hoodie and now one jacket (which is bigger than i am with a built in hoodie). I try to go pee and i’m one of those odd ducks who will NOT take my jacket off in a room the size of a closet which has a toilet which is nasty and i have to fucking balance over because god knows i will NOT sit my ASS down on a seat which you know some nasty hooker has sat on…and no there were no ass gaskets because why would we have ass gaskets in a place where a beer is 7 fucking dollars…cause ugh) well i go to hover and hold 75 lbs of coat up and poof…there goes my id…and poof there go a pack of smokes and poof there goes something out of connors jacket….so pull up pants gather shit that shot of of jackets and try this again…needless to say i was PISSED off after that experience….and no paper towels. needless to say it was NOT FUN..
When I come back out there stands the boys… Now those that know jared know he’s an imposing motherfucker…Well all these kids see huge viking dude with two other huge dudes all with VIP passes around their necks and good god it’s on. Mumbles of there are members of the bands…which bands are they in….must be aeon or tribulation…..oh wait they could be this guy or that guy cause that one dude looks old. sigh…
So I ask how did it go…Jared tells me that the camera didn’t charge…sigh…but he did get pics with the guys. so i’m happy for him…Said he talked to Alex Webster about how 19 years ago almost to the day we saw them at the EL ‘n GEE in New London, CT…which brought back memories for all around. cause let’s face it we are all old…
so I decide it’s time to go get inline with the masses of metal. Jared being a gentleman decides to walk down with me and put me in line. lol so i find my place and he puts my hoodie up cause he doesn’t want me to catch cold and kisses me goodbye and tells me where he will be standing when i get in. and leaves…lol typical not that i needed him to hold my hand while i sat in line…but the buzz from these kids…OMG is he in a band…OMG i think he’s in a band OMG she must have fucked her way backstage….sigh. Look idiots if he was in a band do you think he would have put me in the fucking line…i must have been a very bad lay then….sigh. so i stand in line in the rain for a good hour and a half before they open the doors…..listening to children talk about how they enjoy panic at the disco, DMX, Snoop dog, and how they hope there is somewhere to sit because these shoes are killing me. There is one kid in a (i shit you not) three piece suit with nice wingtip shoes….at a METAL SHOW?!?!?!?! but who am i to judge….wait yeah i know i am a judgemental elitist bitch when it comes to my metal…so bite me…i’m judging.
Finally i get inside…Connor buys me a beer and a shot cause i guess i had a look on my face (resting bitch face strikes again) and jared and I get in the merch line. and OMG (did i just type that? yeah i had that moment) they have the glorious HOCKEY JERSEY….GLORIOUS I tell you…I need this no i MUST have it…and Jared (my sweet sweet man) says that’s what i am in line to get for you….awe….so sweet…yeah ladies he did he bought me the the most GLORIOUS jersey…and i broke metal rule number one…i put that bitch on. so now i have hockey jersey two shirts two hoodies….ugh. they say there is a coat check and i was like hell yeah…$10.00 fuck you bitch i’ll hold this shit…connor decides to pay for the coat check…give him his coat…kept my shit cause let’s face it more merch and more booze is more betterer (hush) than me paying some chick to put my stuff near other peoples stuff with their body odor and scabies and possibly lice…these bitches don’t wash their hands and you want me to put my stuff with theirs oh hell no. so the little ticket chick says they will give me a bag in the merch place for the HOB….so i’m like cool…so buzzed connor goes and asks for a bag…then tries to shove a ten pounds of shit in a $2.97 bag designed in China to hold a single tee-shirt…consequently knocking down every display that they have of these cheesy bracelets that every girl in there seemed to have on (note to self make said cheesy bracelet and call it a HOB knock off make millions….also make bedazzled ass patches) I ask for bag place single hoodie in it.
Ok…so music….finally…i’ve been through hell by this point all i want to do is hear music and drink…that’s why i got up at 5:00 and traveled 338.7 miles (as the crow files and flipping of bitches not included).
Tribulation…great band…not much of a crowd about five back get jared to take pic…slyly move forward get to be about two back. Band finishes get jared to go get beer….move forward some more….talk to kids surrounding me…get told that i’m really old to be going to this show and that’s awesome that old people come out to shows…decide that i don’t want to deck this kid…well i really do but i don’t because i unlike him didn’t get mom and dad to purchase anything….look around see too many children…and i do mean children…one child to my right was 17 years old. there were kids there who had to be at least ten…(good parenting because they made them sit in the balcony and not get trampled) You have heard the saying “I have underwear older than you?” yeah it happened.
So J comes back with a beer….and says that’s your last one….I was like excuse me….then the truth comes out…soon as band starts playing let’s DOUBLE the price of the BEER….WTF…Look i know you’re a business (HOB) and you are all about making money….and i know there were a lot of I don’t know who this band is and i’m just here to be cool bullshit going on there….but look there are people who came to drink and watch bands who don’t make a lot of money…there were a lot of “old school” metal heads there…MOST places have gotten this figured out…..METAL HEADS…DRINK….A LOT…AND WANT TO DRINK MORE….NOT LESS….If your going to raise the prices by double….at least wait till one of the headliners get on…cause by that point metalheads are either drunk, stoned or hyped up and don’t care….not i repeat NOT the moment a band comes on that most people in that bar had never heard of. So…No more beer (and i didn’t take my pills for this)
SO aeon comes on and they are outstanding..Great songs great music awesome stage presence. everything just spot on..really if you haven’t heard this band find it buy it and listen to it. Really really great. I don’t have much more to say about it other than go buy their shit.
so Connor decides to tell everyone within shouting distance that Jared and I are his parents. and we “need” to get all the way up front…cause i guess we are old or some shit i’m still not sure on his comments to the people in front of us. but get up to the barricade we did. (we were only two people back by this time any way)….They start setting up for Behemoth. these children go nuts….start cheering the roadies….cause they didn’t know who they were… was rather comical. so here we stand and on the left and right of us are these children….one is 17 and at her first metal show with her dad who is Jared and my age. He is not there for any of the bands but to bring his daughter to her first show…so Kudos to you dad…your way awesome…
so she and I start talking and she asks me why i am not dressed up like all the other women there…so i go into the explanation that women who are there for the music and not for the dick typically dress as i am…jeans, comfortable shoes and a band shirt. hair in ponytail or down sans make up (now i know the sans make up is not for everyone it is just more comfortable for me because i don’t want that shit around my jawline looking like some fucking crack whore by the second band….but that’s me) I explain to this kiddo that most of the time metal is a sausage party (which it is) and most women do not get respect in any form until they prove to the said sausage party that they actually enjoy the music and are not there just for the dick. We all know “that” girl and we all despise “that girl” by and large, it’s hard enough (no pun intended) to get any type of respect from a group of men who are elitist pricks about their music in the first place.
I know for me as a woman who has been in this scene for over 30 years….jesus did i write that…yep i did….esp growing up in the 80’s with the influx of whores who were the “Hair metal bitches” the very idea of going to a show and not having every part of your body exposed for men to grope, fondle, and gaze at, with the wolf whistles and “i’d bang you like a drum” bullshit was a very difficult thing to do. You either got labeled a frigid cunt, or you were a bull dyke. Naw, it couldn’t be that you just didn’t (and still don’t) want to be labeled a dick buzzard (for those of you who don’t know what that is let me explain…In the 80’s when you were at a club you would see the chicks who dressed like a prostitute circle band members like a fucking buzzard just for a ride on that ever popular syphilis, herpes ridden dick) you happen to just enjoy the music….i know gasp that doesn’t happen you know…we are all cunts…and when you’re not “that girl” you’re then labeled the fat bitch. You know her….The one with the loud mouth that no one likes and they only like the guy that you happen to be with and you are the fifth wheel. HA. any way i digress.
so this brings me to the right side of me….Now all this will become apparent soon enough so stay with me…(you’ve read this far and it’s almost but not quite done….) There stands before me…. 1) A guy who must not have showered in the past couple of months…2) a very very young dick buzzard in a three inch “skirt” and her other friend in a bra and shorts so short you could tell what religion she was if she were a dude….and 3) a very very drunk Connor. (this is that point in your life where you just know things are not going to end well.)
Behemoth….what can i say…it was awesome. Got blood spit in my face by the band…which was cool esp since i didn’t duck like the chicks beside me…cause yeah when you’re my age you understand the whole this will be cool thing. Loved the masks and the stage set up. was awesomeness right there…just pure awesomeness…..I was there to see Cannibal Corpse but they changed my mind was a mind blowing show there.
The only snag so far in the evening came right around when Behemoth was going to play their song third song (which is usually when i take pics, let them get any technical difficulties out of the way and bam nice pics) and the security guy decides he wants to put his fucking hands on my tablet. want to see a bitch loose it….you should have been there…Mother fucker tried to take the thing out of my hands….and for those who are going to ask…NO the FLASH was not on…and NO it was not recording..The signs in the building stated that cameras, on both phones and tablets could be used with NO flash. SO by this point i am fucking livid…cause i can tell you one fucking thing if this asshole would have broken my tablet he would have gotten his ass beat. so i put my tablet in my bag (which i still had) and finished watching the show. As soon as the lights came up i asked this douche why he felt the need to put his fucking hands on MY shit. He proceeds to tell me that my tablet is too big…which doesn’t go over too well with me since phones these days are just as fucking big if not bigger than this fucking pos i have….so i asked him what you got a problem because mine is bigger than yours? fucking idiot. Look if your venue doesn’t want pictures taken (which we have booked bands which did not want pics taken by the house. ) But you should NEVER ever put your hands on someone elses items. period. esp with no signs up prohibiting pictures or video.
So…on to Cannibal Corpse….Yeah the band i was there to see period first and foremost. So everything is going great if you don’t count the rush (which was to be expected) by the masses and the surge when they came out on stage. (my ribs still ache) Sound was great! Just awesome.
…till that moment….
Connor….was drunk…girl who was maybe 20ish was standing in front of him taking his camera and taking pics of herself with said camera…was dressed in nothing….asked connor to pick her up so she could crowd surf….FROM THE FRONT ROW….guess she doesn’t know that crowd surfing goes from the back to the front…but not my concern. The dude standing to the right of me tells me that his friend is being groped by connor. I say well connor is an adult. She is an adult. She can handle it…..IE…I am trying to watch this fucking show and don’t have time for this bullshit. All of a sudden the security dude grabs connor and removes him from the pit. Jared and I are wtf is going on here? the little jackass to the right says “your son pulled out his dick.” “my friend didn’t like it so she told security” “aren’t you worried about your son?”
Well now….hum, how do we handle this?!? I looked at jared he looked at me and both of us said He’s an adult. Sounds like something he’s done before….I am NOT Moving. find puddin in the crowd tell him connor got tossed…puddin shrugs…dicks being pulled out is NOTHING new so we go on with the show. Two songs pass and the little girl who reported connor sexual harassing her finally gets someone to pick her up and she gets removed for crowd surfing. Security guy comes back in to get her i guess to talk to whomever and she’s gone. Next song connor is back (changed his shirt pulled out his VIP access and boom there he is…and boy is he pissed). so finish watching this set and get ready to leave….and BOOM….connor decides to go ape shit… Threatening to burn the building down…so yeah let’s get him outside. We hear the real story that he was trying to pick her up so she could surf (which she wound up doing) and no dick was shown… But those of us who know him knew it wasn’t a stretch of the imagination.
I won’t go into the details on the eventful ride back but there was lots of swearing, swerving, and snoring…threats being made …Jared cursing SIRI over and over again…Me being told by several gas station attendants that i had blood on my face and did i need them to call someone…..and 24 hours later i still feel like a fucking truck ran me over.
so here is the social commentary of this trip…ie why women in metal are all branded as whores…..
If your going to bitch about being groped on
Metal shows are not for you.
if you insist on wearing nothing standing in the front row and looking like a hot fucking mess. This is a testosterone driven art form. Look there was more talk about PUSSY from the stage than in the pit. You have chicks showing their boobs you have some whose whole purpose in life is to get on a bus to “fuck some guy” because he’s “in a band” but you’re coming on to the roadies? You don’t know who is IN the band nor do you know what in the fuck is going on. Yes there is a high percentage of women who put themselves out there for that type of behavior…and as much as i am usually against the whole “she was asking for it” when it comes to the way people dress and put themselves out there…i will say this….
IF YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING STEAK DOGS WILL EAT. period.
There is nothing wrong with dressing up (or down) if that’s your choice what is wrong is using your sex to get what the fuck you want (which was to get this dude out of his place in the front so you could shake your prepubescent ass at a bunch of men who are old enough to be your dad. Who are all married and who are there to entertain you. They are doing their job….well I might add….and definitely better than some of the garbage that is labeled as metal these days….over 20 years at this shit…they got it down to a science and they don’t give two rips what you’re wearing or how you’re shaking your ass. If that’s what you want then you are really really sad honestly.
you going to flash the pizza dude? you going to slap your snatch out at the long haired dude who made your sandwich? For fucks sake don’t be “that girl” or if that’s your lot in life then don’t get pissed off when someone actually assaults your ass cause you keep this shit up one day there will not be a security guy there to ‘save’ you. Scream wolf one too many times and one day you’re bound to be hurt.
As for you other women who put pride in yourself and love metal i salute you….welcome to the sausage party and remember it takes FUCKING BALLS to do this….they are on your chest…but just like a dudes balls keep them covered and keep your self respect.
The opinions in this article are mine and mine alone and you bet your fucking ass they are supported by this company.